Well I have had SO many people ask me to tell MY story. Although I have told people privately, I wasn't sure I was ready to tell it in such a public forum. I like to keep my blog entries very positive and light, and well- this story is anything but. However, I feel it is so important for you all to know what drives me, why I am doing this, or why I even care. In addition, if I can help just ONE person with my story then I will have to say it is so worth it. I divided it into two parts because it's a long one! So here it goes...
People can be mean. Whether it's directly or in a more passive way. Some people try to hurt others on purpose. I see women doing it to other women- ladies they even call "friends." I see it with strangers on the street and even at work. Men, women, children - no one seems to be immune from mean people. But why? Why does this happen? I used to think it was me who brought on being bullied at work and that I did something to cause this "retaliation." Or I thought that I had bad judgement when it came to inviting people into my life. After a lot of personal growth over the last few years, I see that I have made mistakes and had some failures. I really have learned from all of that- but that is something way different; I'm talking about that flat-out, mean, unwarranted treatment.
I have come to see that the problem does not lie within the person being targeted, but more so with the one who is doing the firing.
It is important to contrast the nature of child- vs. adult- bullying. While children are typically motivated to bully a peer out of insecurity and in order to elevate their status and make themselves feel better, adults may demonstrate bullying without a similar, self-benefiting intention. Rather than looking to gain something from the behavior, the adult bully simply takes pleasure in bringing someone down. Fortunately, it has been shown that with appropriate intervention, children can be educated and made aware of how their behavior affects the victim. With a new perspective, these children can resolve this hurtful relationship and learn to co-exist and maybe even become friends. On the other hand, adult bullies desire no real resolution. They don't want to get to a better place. They simply want to be mean. It brings them joy to hurt you. I have seen it in the dance world and professional world. People will gang up on the more successful person... or the person for whom "doing well academically" comes naturally. I have also personally seen it where a person is targeted just because "she is too damn happy." Seriously?? It's true. Just like children, adults can be targeted for so many reasons.
I get messages from people that say I have inspired them. In reality, it is their support that keeps inspiring ME to bring awareness and be a vocal advocate. I think you all would be shocked at the sheer number of amazing people that have privately reached out to me about being bullied as an adult. Company owners, athletes, models, teachers, doctors- you name it. Bullying does not discriminate. There is no "typical" victim profile. I have spoken with very successful men & women alike. Some have grown from their experience and have become empowered... others are on their way. I commend them for reaching out. Being a victim of adult bulling is, at first glance, an embarrassing thing to admit. You fear people will think you are weak or making it up...or looking for sympathy. The list of reasons why we don't speak out goes on and on. We live in a society that is quick to judge. So what do we do?? Far too often - nothing. We stay silent or make jokes about it, but in reality, it's extremely hurtful both physically and mentally. So why don't we just stick up for ourselves? (I have heard this a thousand times). I hear, "I would just leave! I wouldn't take that!" It's important to recognize this: almost always, an adult target is trapped in their current work situation. If they do leave, where does their next pay check come from? How do they feed their families? Pay their bills? Put gas in their car? Often, just picking up and leaving is not an immediate option.
Before we move on, one thing I'd like to clarify is the definition of "work-place bullying." I can start by telling you what work-place bullying is not. It's not being spoken to by a superior because you are under performing at your job. It's not having a crabby, demanding boss that is hard to please. It's not being fired because you don't follow the rules. It IS a situation where the person is being criticized rather than how the task is being completed.
The official definition is as follows:
"Workplace bullying refers to repeated, unreasonable actions of individuals (or a group) directed towards an employee (or group of employees), which are intended to intimidate, degrade, humiliate, or undermine; or which create risk to the health or safety of the employee(s)."
Workplace bullying often is a result of a misuse or abuse of power. It's important to note it can also come from co-workers as well. Here is a list of some more examples that victims repeatedly experience:
People can be mean. Whether it's directly or in a more passive way. Some people try to hurt others on purpose. I see women doing it to other women- ladies they even call "friends." I see it with strangers on the street and even at work. Men, women, children - no one seems to be immune from mean people. But why? Why does this happen? I used to think it was me who brought on being bullied at work and that I did something to cause this "retaliation." Or I thought that I had bad judgement when it came to inviting people into my life. After a lot of personal growth over the last few years, I see that I have made mistakes and had some failures. I really have learned from all of that- but that is something way different; I'm talking about that flat-out, mean, unwarranted treatment.
I have come to see that the problem does not lie within the person being targeted, but more so with the one who is doing the firing.
It is important to contrast the nature of child- vs. adult- bullying. While children are typically motivated to bully a peer out of insecurity and in order to elevate their status and make themselves feel better, adults may demonstrate bullying without a similar, self-benefiting intention. Rather than looking to gain something from the behavior, the adult bully simply takes pleasure in bringing someone down. Fortunately, it has been shown that with appropriate intervention, children can be educated and made aware of how their behavior affects the victim. With a new perspective, these children can resolve this hurtful relationship and learn to co-exist and maybe even become friends. On the other hand, adult bullies desire no real resolution. They don't want to get to a better place. They simply want to be mean. It brings them joy to hurt you. I have seen it in the dance world and professional world. People will gang up on the more successful person... or the person for whom "doing well academically" comes naturally. I have also personally seen it where a person is targeted just because "she is too damn happy." Seriously?? It's true. Just like children, adults can be targeted for so many reasons.
I get messages from people that say I have inspired them. In reality, it is their support that keeps inspiring ME to bring awareness and be a vocal advocate. I think you all would be shocked at the sheer number of amazing people that have privately reached out to me about being bullied as an adult. Company owners, athletes, models, teachers, doctors- you name it. Bullying does not discriminate. There is no "typical" victim profile. I have spoken with very successful men & women alike. Some have grown from their experience and have become empowered... others are on their way. I commend them for reaching out. Being a victim of adult bulling is, at first glance, an embarrassing thing to admit. You fear people will think you are weak or making it up...or looking for sympathy. The list of reasons why we don't speak out goes on and on. We live in a society that is quick to judge. So what do we do?? Far too often - nothing. We stay silent or make jokes about it, but in reality, it's extremely hurtful both physically and mentally. So why don't we just stick up for ourselves? (I have heard this a thousand times). I hear, "I would just leave! I wouldn't take that!" It's important to recognize this: almost always, an adult target is trapped in their current work situation. If they do leave, where does their next pay check come from? How do they feed their families? Pay their bills? Put gas in their car? Often, just picking up and leaving is not an immediate option.
Before we move on, one thing I'd like to clarify is the definition of "work-place bullying." I can start by telling you what work-place bullying is not. It's not being spoken to by a superior because you are under performing at your job. It's not having a crabby, demanding boss that is hard to please. It's not being fired because you don't follow the rules. It IS a situation where the person is being criticized rather than how the task is being completed.
The official definition is as follows:
"Workplace bullying refers to repeated, unreasonable actions of individuals (or a group) directed towards an employee (or group of employees), which are intended to intimidate, degrade, humiliate, or undermine; or which create risk to the health or safety of the employee(s)."
Workplace bullying often is a result of a misuse or abuse of power. It's important to note it can also come from co-workers as well. Here is a list of some more examples that victims repeatedly experience:
- Invalid criticism.
- Being treated differently than the rest of your work group.
- Exclusion or social isolation.
- Being sworn at or being shouted at.
- Purposely being humiliated.
- Excessive monitoring or micro-managing.
- Being given unrealistic work deadlines- setting you up for failure.
I'd like to intervene right here and say, please, if you see this happening at your job to someone you work with, DO something. There are laws set in place that will protect you as the bystander. Speaking from experience, there is nothing worse than feeling like you are all alone. Be that one person to break the cycle. It will change someone's life.
* * *
Putting myself through dental hygiene school was one of my
proudest - and hardest accomplishments. I had originally gone to school and earned a bachelors of fine arts from The School of The Art Institute of Chicago and thought a career in design is what I really wanted. After
working a few years in the design industry, I realized although I was passionate about art, I was
no longer passionate about working in the field. I was then offered a really cool
opportunity to be a business owner in the spa/tanning industry. I owned and
managed my own business for about three years, but that word
"passion" kept tugging at my heart and coming up in my head. I knew I
hadn't found what I was looking for in a career choice. So I decided to sell the business and move on. Here I was in my late twenties struggling to find
what I really wanted to do. I really wanted to be happy and was determined to find that in a career.
As luck, or fate would have it I was at the dentist one day- literally getting my teeth
cleaned, when I found myself so interested in the whole field and everything the hygienist had to say. I left there and
went straight to the book store. I bought a dental assistant book!
That night I went home and taught myself the teeth numbers. I had found my passion. Passion to help others, passion to have a
job that mattered to others, and passion to be inspired and challenged daily. I
became a dental assistant and absolutely loved it so much that I decided to take it
to the next level.
And so I began on my long journey to a career change starting with going back
to school to fulfill all my pre-requisites to be considered for dental hygiene
school. I worked the hardest I'd ever had. All the while, my family was experiencing some tough times because of the market crash. I felt awful for being so
selfish to be going back to school while I could be working to help my mom and
dad. After multiple times of offering to put my quest on hold - my dad never
let me stop. He insisted it was so important for me to follow my dreams. So I did- with
even more passion and fire.
Hygiene school was hard- especially as an adult. I was a full-time student. I worked
part time and on weekends. Oh! and I was also a Chicago Luvabull
for the Chicago Bulls! Talk about being a pro at time management! There were many times I would go straight from a late practice, or a game with a full face of make up (& lashes), straight to the library to study until 3:00 in the morning. Then, I'd go home and do it all over the next day. I really loved it otherwise there is no way I would have gotten through it all.
I graduated at the age of 29 with a 4.0 GPA. I received my
diploma, and for the first time, donned the honors cord around my neck. Those
letters after my name -"RDH"- meant so much more to me than just
Registered Dental Hygienist. "Blood, sweat, and tears" had a whole new meaning. I was so proud of my new career and could not wait to begin to practice. I had really wanted to work in a beautiful, busy, downtown office. One that had
new equipment and everything a new clinician could ever want. I found one and fell in love with the website alone! I knew I HAD to work
there. I sent in my application and received a call almost that
same day! I was on top of the world. I went in for my job interview. I was then asked back for a
working interview and by that weekend I was the new hygienist of a busy,
beautiful, downtown office- with an amazing view! My career goals had finally fallen into place. Or so I
thought...
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